Stress is my greatest enemy. it makes me moody, screws up my blood sugars, and makes me gain mucho weight. oh, and i don't even want to talk about the effect it's having on my skin. i miss winter because at least then when i would break out with hives and other ravages of my skin, i could hide it behind a ton of clothes. but summer is looming, as my birthday, and i look and feel awful. i'm embarrassed to go out anywhere without a hoodie on because i feel like people are staring at the pudge on my hips and belly and wondering what's wrong with my skin. it's sad that at this age i have so many doctors. a therapist and psychiatrist to work on my anxiety (and boy if there isn't a ton of that to work on right now), a dermatologist for my finiky skin, of course my beloved endo (who really is a good doctor btw), and i'll probably have to have at least one more specialist if i can't get this skin stuff resolved for good. i need to get some fake hair i think since i keep pulling mine out. it's a stress coping mechanisim for me...don't ask me how it started because i have no clue, but it certainly didn't help when i was put on an improper medication to fix my skin when i lived up in new york and it started to fall out anyway. it's not like i have bald patches or anything. but i used to have very thick hair and it's become very fine and hasn't all grown back from when it was coming out. the back of my head gets cold easily and it's just another thing that makes me feel like i could use a lot of improvements right now.
i'm going to try running to help me lose some of the weight i've gained in the past few months because i'm to stubborn to accept that this is permanate and i don't want to buy bigger jeans. so instead i'm investing in running shoes (thanks dad for the birthday money...i promise i'll actually use the shoes) and hitting the road. i've always (well, not always, but for a while anyway) wanted to try a marathon even if it's not a full blown one. my fiance and some of his co-workers are doing a 10k in august and my goal is to be able to run it with him even if he finishes an hour before me. i'm at a point now where i want to do more for myself because we all know a happy and dedicated diabetic is a healthier diabetic. i imagine running would do wonders for my blood sugars not just through the act of moving my body and burning off glucose, but through the therapy of becoming lost in an activity that makes me feel good. okay, i'll admit it: it probably won't feel so great for a few weeks, but once my body stops screaming, "what are you running for??? there's nothing chasing you dummy!" i'm pretty sure i'll start to like it.
i have a lot of goals i'd like to accomplish in the near future. running (and hopefully weight loss will accompany that), finally getting my drivers liscense (yes, i'm about to turn 24 and i still can't drive), i'd like to volunteer in a no kill cat shelter, and going back to culinary school with some decent financial assistance so i don't have to keep putting it off for lack of money. it's really time i came out of my protective bubble and started living. i've spent the last year so focused on other people and their needs that i've completely lost myself and honestly, i'm just not that happy. i read a question from a meme that asked "if you were someone else, would you be friends with you?" right now the answer is no. i've changed a lot and there are good things, but i guess i just don't really like who i am right now. i have misplaced feelings of guilt, i'm sad to much though i rarely let people in to know what's happening with me, and i don't even go out to do anything so i guess i wouldn't even meet me anyway. not that i'd have the balls to talk to "other me" if "regular me" was there. i lack bravery and confidence. geez...no wonder i'm so stressed all the time. i don't think i mentioned a single positive attrubute about myself in this whole post.
i'm a math wiz and a rightous cook. ta da!
